


Flashes

by catara07



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Beginning of season 3, F/F, Lena knows, a lot of self-deprication, character centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 17:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16937604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catara07/pseuds/catara07
Summary: Kara Danvers is one anxious superhero.





	Flashes

**Author's Note:**

> this one-shot is a bit personal. idk if it's accurate since the experience can be different with everyone, but i based it on my own. hopefully, it won't be deemed insensitve or offensive. do leave a comment if it happened to be such.

  
Kara has perfect and above human standards hearing, but she had to replay the broadcast thrice because maybe Morgan Edge didn’t say he’s going to buy CatCo. He could have said he’s only planning to buy CatCo. But to her dismay, Morgan Edge is _definitely_ going to buy CatCo. It’s the second worst thing to happen to CatCo. The first one being, of course, Cat Grant’s career shift.

It’s not like Kara can do something about it. It’s got to do more with the board members and stock logistics. Kara wanted to do whatever it is that she can. She’s got a few ideas piling up one by one while James briefed it in his office that work has to resume regardless of that terrible news. Although, there’s none she can pursue without considering the possible repercussions (because 9 out of 10 involved being Supergirl and she herself knew the absurdity despite the attachment the hero has to the company.)

She ultimately decided to sit this one out. It’s way _way_ above her pay grade. But, for the love of Rao, Morgan Edge is just…it’s like she’d rather swallow back puke than work under his authority.

So, that kind of left Kara unnerved. Worse, she’s stuck with this piece that centered around Edge’s recent controversial business developments. Because of all people, it’s Lena Luthor’s opinion that weighed heaviest amongst the moguls of National City and there’s no better reporter to do any news featuring Lena Luthor than Kara Danvers. That made it somehow better for Kara since she’s doing the piece with her best friend.

Somehow.

“What can you uh-” Kara wielded the retractable pen in hand and reiterated the question one more time. “What is your—about Morgan Edge, do you think-”

“Are you seriously nervous?” Lena interrupted, amused with Kara’s stammer. "You've been doing this for what, a year and counting?"

"I know. You're the one who put me up to it." She adjusted her glasses, chin tucked under. Even with Lena's desk drawing the line that ushered Kara to stay professional, it didn't remedy her situation.

"Come on, Kara." Lena slouched from her uptight form. "It's just me." She said that with a lilt.

Well, that's the thing. She's not just Lena. She's _Lena_.

There's not a possible way to explain this. Kara swore she tried to make it coherent and comprehensible for the sake of her own self and her sanity. Rao, it's making her crazy every time she thought of Lena and having to be under her scrutiny (this interview for example). It made Kara want to bite her nails and just spend the rest of the day thinking about it and never doing anything at all.

There's something about Lena and her grace, her looks, her smile, her jaw(?) that made Kara a blank mess, like even if her mind is in a rattled activity, it's peacefully protesting at the same time.

"What's your take on Morgan Edge and his..."

"Ambitious, tactless actions?" Lena casually filled.

"Yes, that."

"First of all, he hates people but pretends to like them that I think he's more of an actor than a businessman. Second, he's a dick."

"Okay, that would be off the record." Is Kara ever going to actually write something down on her pad besides random stroke of circles and lines?

"Kara, you already know my opinion about the man. You could just do the article without an interview. I trust you you’ll do me justice."

"And I’m just gonna quote you when I never interviewed you?" She didn't know Lena is capable of a ridiculous idea.

"Yes. It would be an honor for your words to be linked with me."

Kara grew pensive. "That's just lazy and I'm cheating."

"Oh Kara, I trust you better with putting my opinion into writing than myself." If there's one thing she's got from being a Luthor is that she's sharp and brute with words. She has a lot to say about Morgan Edge that would be too much for Kara.

"But I..." Kara outlined her entire interview before facing Lena. The number of minutes for commute, the questions she lined up over and over during the commute, she even prepared the first thing to say to Lena whilst evading the possibility of pissing her off because the article has something to do with Edge. She already went to the bathroom thrice in an hour while deciding amongst possible choices. "I guess I'll just do that instead." And this is why Kara sometimes hated herself stressing over these things when the chances are, they won't turn out the way Kara wanted.

"See? It's easier and we can spend more time catching up. How about lunch? My treat."

“Wouldn’t Snapper see through it?” Kara pressed again, the bribe of food having no effect to distract her. She’s basically going against every journalism ethics that exist.

“Kara, stop worrying.” Lena followed Kara’s eyes, probing to level them with hers. “You sugarcoat my comments to make them less savage. This won’t be any different.”

Kara sighed, running out of reasons.

“I’m not usually this cool but-”

“Yeah, this is so out of the blue coming from you.” Because Lena has a strong say about many things that are worth writing about. Hence the prepped questions that had gone to waste.

“I just have a lot in my head after the invasion.” Lena’s eyes fell. Her mom’s on the loose, leaving her to fix the residual of problems Cadmus caused to National City. “How are you, Kara?” And Kara hitched her breath, knowing the direction of that question. “You probably miss Mon-El.”

Of course, she should be sad about that.

Kara hated having to send him off wandering in space by himself. Supergirl did that. He already found a new home in Earth and Kara took that away from him. He’s safe though, Alex told her.

Everyone else is just concerned about the aftermath of Kara yeeting the love of her life. Well, they’re wrong about that but Kara didn't want to effort into correcting them. She’s just not sure what she felt about Mon-El. He’s...familiar like he’s something Kara could be a part of, something that she belonged to. The shared history and sentiment of being an outsider of this planet. Kara got drawn to that, believing that’s the key to the kind of happiness she longed for. But love...Kara could just laugh at that.

“I’m sorry.” Lena took Kara’s prolonged silence as grief that dawned on her. “I made the device and-”

Lena, always willing to take the burdens of the world upon her hands and carry it.

“No, Lena. We had to save the world.”

 

 

Kara felt calm flying. A simple sight of the city above is the cure to her weary heart and disturbed mind. She’d speed among the clouds when everything felt too much. Defying gravity soothed her.

What Kara hated most about the superhero job is fighting. The constant worry whether a single punch, elbow and kick won’t break a human criminal left Kara uneased in the field, estimating an amount of strength in a matter of seconds that will inflict less pain but enough to subdue them.

Practice didn’t help her perfect it. Humans have different pain threshold. Some are too strong they still get up and some are too weak they’re sprawled unconscious.

And there’s the matter of avoiding property destruction. She’s great with landing, alright. But getting knocked out by an alien on the loose, not so much. Exploding cars here and there, crushed concrete, a flaming building from the stray aim of her heat vision - it’s countless.

Prior, Kara always devised an outline on how a fight would unfold to avoid damages. Rarely did it go accordingly and it disturbed her when they didn’t, feeling as if the fight is draining more energy and becoming more taxing than expected. Afterwards, her body is exhausted but her mind is restlessly replaying the scenarios on how she could’ve changed things to acquire better results.

As intact and put-together Supergirl looked, deep inside she’s simmering and agitated. At least she could let it out and busy her head with the task at hand. With Kara Danvers though, she’s posed with different problems to battle.

 

 

Kara is finishing her article, but she needed a break.

She’s mentally tired. She didn’t wanna go to Noonan’s. It’s a peak hour. It’ll take more than five minutes to get her order. That felt long. But the coffee won’t buy itself. So, she went to Noonan’s eventually. It’s just below CatCo, around the corner. It’ll be a blip.

2:51PM. Kara checked on her watch.

She leaned on the counter after ordering. Then the place got packed. A booth with a child tugging its mother for ice cream, a group of friends deciding what to eat, some workmates laughing at the bar. Kara trained her sight on the metal counter, staring meekly at it while her foot tapped. The next thing she knew, her head is twisting around, legs jogging in place, wanting to move about.

Kara is aware of what’s going on and what’s about to happen next. She needed to sit but every table is full. Even the waiting area is occupied. She can’t leave like this either or there would be consequences out of her control.

Tears of sweat has formed quickly around Kara’s face and neck and heat rushing everywhere. Kara didn’t normally sweat on Earth unless she’s on a solar flare, except when this episode occurs and usually, they’re at an unexpected time. Kara’s chest is feeling full and intense that she clutched a hand on it. She willed herself to calm down, tasking her heart to chill from pounding against her ribs so fast. White flashed in her eyes, tongue going numb and the fabric of her shirt rustled like nails scraping against her skin. But Kara stood her ground.

It always gets better after. It always gets better. Kara chanted quietly.

The room got smaller and smaller that Kara just wanted to drop down and hug her knees. Kara lowered her head when she felt her heat vision is acting up. She fixed her glasses as they’ve come off a bit loose. That should remedy it. She cannot risk her powers firing up. Too many casualties, like the barista who took forever to serve her.

“Spiced Pumpkin Latter for Kar-”

“Thank you.” Kara snatched the cup and trudged towards the door.

Air. She never thought she’d need it as much as she did.

She walked the street that’s actually the opposite direction of CatCo Headquarters. The last thing she wanted to be is to be at work which meant boarding the elevator. Small confined space? That’s a big no for now.

It’s a miracle that the cup has not burst from Kara’s hand due to the amount of pressure she’s applying to it. Some of the hot liquid has spilled to her hand but Kara didn’t care.

She flicked her wrist. 2:55PM.

Fuck. Four minutes and Kara, whose knees are now wobbly, felt like she got ran over by something that weighed tons.

She reached National City Park and sat on the empty bench, waiting for the panic to subside. She diverted her focus away from the children that played tag on grass, to the mothers that chatted about their cheating husbands and to the busking musician that drew a small crowd. Instead, she concentrated on her breathing.

Kara embraced the wind breezing. She rolled her sleeves to the elbows and undone a few top buttons of her shirt to minimize her discomfort. 

What's left of the latte is still worth Kara's money. She's feeling better now, weak but manageable. She wanted to go home so bad and be more relieved. If it isn’t for Snapper breathing under her neck because of the deadline, she would have flown, changed to her pajamas and watched TV.

Thank goodness someone is yet to see her like this. Kara may have been careful about the others having knowledge of her episodes, strictly avoiding places she's never been and unfamiliar and excusing herself with fake work emergencies when the environment has gotten clustered. It's Kara's little secret.

After the Daxamite invasion, she's been so uneasy. Something's bad is always looming to happen. Just when everything is going so smoothly, something would threaten to turn it into shit. Kara's afraid she won't stop it next time, leaving her always on the edge.

No, Kara wouldn't say a word. Nobody might understand even. She's going to fix it on her own. She's stirred enough problems that she wouldn't wish about adding another.

 

 

An attack happened at the unveiling of Supergirl's statue, courtesy of Lena Luthor. Hundreds injured and lives have been lost.

Kara wondered where she's gone wrong. By the time she figured out the trouble that's about to spur, it's already too late. She scanned the perimeter five times. J'onn vouched the capabilities of every agent at the event. She was on steady lookout on every citizen present at the unveiling, be it a participant or bystander, because anyone could be a potential harm. But Kara still missed. She still fucking missed and now there's blood in her hands.

Supergirl assisted the emergency services when what is seemingly like a strike of storm has finally calmed. Everything's in disarray. The statue, however, remained to stand firm and unscathed. How ironic.

She saw Lena whom she thought has been brought by the DEO agents to safety. Obviously, she came back to help. Lena nearly died. She's almost a part of that number. She was the easiest target. Kara wouldn't forgive herself if something bad happened to her again.

Those who are left alive are thankful for Supergirl for saving the day. But Kara is heartbroken and defeated. Alex saw her despair, consoling her little sister that none of it is her fault. They found out it was Morgan Edge but the evidence discovered are circumstancial. That didn't help Kara at all.

These people relied on her and Kara knew she could have done better.

 

Kara turned the Krpytonite level of the training room to seventy percent. She hasn't gone this extreme, but Kara is desperate to feel something else other than this agony that's been eating her up. Being at the precipice gave her that.

Without her strength, speed and the immunity her body possessed, Kara noticed how battered she is physically. It could be the Kryptonite or she's just really tired.

Kara went on with the simulated training. Hurt herself here and there. A boulder thrown to her gut, getting blasted to the wall, breaking her lip and her knuckles punching against concrete that she did it again and again until she bled.

Suddenly, someone tried to tackle her from behind. Arms have entrapped her, subduing her body. Kara struggled at first, but she didn't have her powers to counter.

“Kara. Stop.”

It's Alex and Kara didn't fight anymore. Alex let her go, but she grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around.

Kara should see herself in the mirror. Someone would mistake she enrolled into an underground fight club and she's losing.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Alex asked and she's forcing Kara to look at her in the eye, which the latter is refusing to.

“I got too immersed. Sorry.” Kara muttered, her form lazy and she could barely stand upright.

“The Kryptonite is at seventy. Are you insane? You could kill yourself.”

“But I didn't.” Words firm and her eyes are fiery. Kara realized the position she's in. Alex is just worried as always. Kara dropped the hostile act and mustered a smile that should make this go away. “I'm testing my tolerance to Kryptonite. Apparently, there's a lot to improve.”

Alex hesitated before caving in to Kara's lie.

“Next time, do it with supervision.” Alex reprimanded, shaking her head. Kara and her rebel streak can be frustrating.

Kara is led to the room of her sun lamps to heal. She lied down and let the machine do its magic. Kara knew it's just temporary, the buoyant feeling whenever the yellow sun or in this case, the lamps, casted its glow to her skin and as her body absorbed its energy to repair the wounds and restore her. That's why she liked flying, to pierce through the skies until she reached the closest to the sun. But the pain kept on coming back and Kara believed it never really went anywhere. It gnawed her, becoming this grave reminder that she isn't fine.

 

 

Lena and Kara decided to have a short walk in Kara's neighborhood. They had dinner at their favorite Chinese place which is near Kara's apartment and the night is too beautiful to miss. Kara still has not touched the champagne Lena gifted her last week, so they thought about perusing it and hanging out as well.

Lena is hogged against Kara, arm linked with hers. National City isn't usually cold. The Californian weather is better known for its humidity, but the evenings can sometimes be freezing. And Kara is a literal furnace. It came in handy especially during the winter season.

From her peripheral, Kara noticed that Lena has been looking up to her every now and then.

"Lena," She said her knowingly.

"I bought CatCo."

"What?" Kara stopped and Lena may have almost tripped, but she recovered swiftly.

"I said I bought CatCo."

"You're fucking kidding me." Kara walked again, tagging Lena along.

"Also, Alex told me you did something stupid." Lena said, hunching over Kara's shoulder.

"I sure have no memory of that." Kara coyed, keeping her eyes in a straight direction. Alex isn't really gonna go easy on her that she went to Lena for backup.

"Kara, you know you can't lie to me." Which is true because just six months into their friendship, Kara already spilled about her alter-ego to Lena that resulted her into signing a bunch of NDAs and also a frequent visit at the DEO because having Lena and her intelligence on board have its advantage.

Kara halted and faced Lena. "It's not stupid when it's training. There's gonna come a time that I'll get hurt so I'm preparing myself. I'm not that indestructible, for your information." So maybe Kara can lie and everyone just underestimated her.

"You're fond of diving head first in any situation. Of course we're worried. Don't be so bitter about it."

"Yeah, yeah." Kara waved her hand.

"God, you're stubborn." Lena hissed.

"I'm not-"

Kara swallowed abruptly as her sight turned to haze. Lena's face has gone blur but she's still aware she's with Lena.

Lena is talking, she can see her lips moving but it's all muffled. Kara tried to breathe but the more she did it, her heart paced faster and faster. She can feel the beat of her pulse throbbing on her eardrums. Kara is starting to lose color on face.

"Kara, shit, are you okay?"

She finally heard and she shook her head vigorously. She looked around and they're already in front of her apartment. She tried to walk, nearly falling down but Lena stood by her. She got past the stairs to her floor as quickly as she could and tried finding for her keys. But Kara is too dazed, so Lena patted her, screw personal space. Lena searched and maybe Lena got a bit distracted to how Kara is tapping her one foot on the floor rapidly. Soon, she fished the keys from the left pocket of Kara's coat and opened the door. She assisted Kara to the couch, keeping an intimate distance to be of aid.

Kara is palpitating. Lena knew because she once experieced palpitations due to her unhealthy coffee intake back in college.

"Kara, tell me what you need. " Lena asked. She is not one to panic but given she's never seen Kara like this, it's utterly alarming.

"I'm gonna call Alex." Out of options, Lena picked up her phone but Kara stopped her.

"Don't." Kara protested breathily. "It'll go away. Just stay with me." She practically begged and Lena thought there might be tears in Kara's eyes.

Kara held Lena's hand as if her life depended on it. She just needed Lena close, that's all. Lena's presence certainly has an effect on her. Her heart slowed and her mind became clearer than it has ever been the past few months.

The entire time they're silent, Kara worried what she should say to Lena. Her best friend might have figured it out already. Lena is too smart for Kara to fool, not after what she has witnessed.

Kara didn't ready herself for this. She has accepted that she'll be on her own. She's already dealing with it on her own.

"I'm convinced that you're aware you have a problem." Lena said undoubtedly.

Kara nodded.

Lena sighed in surrender. "Why didn't you tell anyone? Kara, I have to be frank with you but you need help."

"I know."

Lena is in deep thought before speaking again. "Is it because of Mon-El?"

"At first I thought it was, but it kept happening and it's only getting worse." Kara started crying and Lena inclined herself towards her.

"There's so much I failed to do, Lena." She sniffed. "L-Like you, I should've protected you from Rhea. And recently, at the unveiling. People died because of me. You almost died because of me."

"Kara, look at me." Lena disrupted Kara's self-blame. She took Kara's trembling hand, resting it to her face and Lena leaned into her warm palm. "You can feel me, right? I know you can hear my heartbeat. You used to tell me that it calms you down."

Every person has a unique heartbeat and amongst those that Kara has known, Lena stood out. It worked like a metronome, whether she's under pressure, excited or there's too much adrenaline pumping in her veins. Right now, Lena has incredibly maintained her demeanor despite Kara's breakdown. It's a stability Kara longed to have.

"The dangers that have come to the city, the lives taken, the people injured, it wasn't because of you. It's out of your hands, Kara." Lena told her disarmingly. "What Rhea did to the city is all her doing, not yours. Whatever the hell Morgan Edge is about to do, it's all on him too. You can't control everything and that's okay because none of us can and nobody is asking you to. You've done more than enough and you kept going on."

It should be Kara doing the saving and not the other way around, she thought. It should be her reassuring Lena that everything's gonna be okay. It's her who should be the stronger one, but Kara couldn't. She's too tired and she finally relented, letting go of each thought that bothered her everyday.

Kara sank further to her couch and never taking her hand away from Lena, even giving it another squeeze. She just wanted to close her red-rimmed eyes, take a rest and forget everything.

"We'll talk to Alex, alright? I'll be with you."

Kara mumbled a yes before drifting off.

 

 

Kara is woken up by the sun's warmth seeping through the curtains and then hitting her face. She opened her eyes slowly, still dozing from sleep. Rao, she finally fell asleep. She blinked her eyes a few more times, her senses returning.

Something is heavy on her lap. It's Lena, bundled and curled under Kara's blanket and sleeping soundly.

It's only coming back to her what unfolded last night. Lena just saw how broken Kara is and yet, she stayed. She really stayed.

Kara smiled to herself. What good did she do in her past life to meet someone like Lena?

It's only 7AM. Maybe she'll watch Lena for a while and think about the right things to say to Alex, things she deserved to know. Kara needed help and Lena made her remember that she didn't have to be alone.

 

  


End file.
